Will you dive into the burning flames?
And sacrifice yourself to fill the void
Nasum - Words to Die For
I quit pills. I quit drinking. I got my job back. I went back to school. I took up jiu-jitsu. I started to attend AA meetings. I started to meditate. And I bought you flowers the very last day I saw you.
You laughed and mocked me when I updated you with my progress.
I a glad you are a fan of what I have written recently. I am going through a very hard time in life right now because of an ending of a relationship and an overall doubt of myself.
I have built up such a high anxiety and depression because of an attachment to an idea very still being connected to myself and what I think that makes me strong. I loss my own reasoning and it is going to take a while for me to get back to my normal state of productive mind.
Don’t let this part of your life destroy the rest of your life. You might feel like it’s the end of the world for you, but think about all the things you really want to do in life and go forth with it. Relationships aren’t easy and they take a lot of work. Sometimes you have to go through 9 very difficult relationships to get to that one were you will be at ease for a very long time or even for the rest of your life.
Don’t blame yourself or anyone else for what happened. Don’t be sad that is over, be grateful that it happened and you got to share something beautiful with whoever it was.
If you even need to talk I am here for you and I hope you things go better for you.
It’s like you said; You are not alone and I wouldn’t want you to go alone through this either.
My three mantras:
I am enough.
I am strong.
I am loving.
There are no words or actions to substitute the pain and sorrows I have caused you for the last couple of months or years. The very brash decisions I made have resulted in a lot of frenzies that are too late to configure. If I didn’t make that last final mistake, I would still be fooling myself on where I thought we stood. The truth hurts when it hits you the hardest that it ever did. But I know I hurt you too much to ever try anything again.
I thought being away from you for a month would do something good for me as far as being a better person. I just wish that time wasn’t so hard. The more I think about it, that time was enough to lose everything I had with you. We did have our shares of hard times. The point came to where it was too much for you and you had to move beyond me.
My bad attitude of not changing caused so many rashes in our relationship. For whatever reason, I felt that walking away from my problems would make them go away. I realized I started to become a weak-minded person when it came to solving anything with you or with me. I feel so bad for myself and for you because of all this pain I have caused. I am so ashamed of the actions I have taken because it has lead to all this.
There is one thing you did that no other person in the world has done and I will forever be grateful that you did that. You held a mirror in front of me to remind me who I really am. It showed me how much of an ugly soul I have. You taught me that I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself because of where I am in life. It also taught me to stand on my own two feet and have courage in myself. You are right; I can’t blame anyone or anything for whatever is going on in my head. The only thing I can do is identify those problems and work on them as much as I can.
I wrote this letter to get all of this off my chest and out there so you could know how I feel and what I have been thinking of. I know now I have officially lost the important thing in my life because of my own insecurities and battle with myself. But I know I have learned many lessons from you and it’s something I can say that you left me with. Even though we are not together, your love and life lessons will stay in my heart forever.
Thank you for everything you have given me.